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20th December 2016
12:10am GMT
By now you'll be aware that we're all about good food in Dublin. Places you'd be happy to venture whilst on a hot date, places that serve up seriously slick cocktails or just somewhere you can hang out with your mates whilst mulling over a plate of pulled pork or some other trendy shit.
Well that's when we're sober. When we've a few shcoops on us, it's a different story altogether.
You don't even have to be pissed to get a hankering for any of the bad boys below. Sometimes you'll just find yourself having one of those days when the only thing to cure your mood will be a big, fat, dirty, filthy batter burger with a side of extra grease and before you know it, in that brief moment before you feel your arteries beginning to harden, the world is no longer on your shoulders.
Here's our top 15 places for all manner of fast food, with many of your recommendations taken into consideration.
OK so there's not a lot of charm to this place but you're not here for the atmosphere, you're here for a whopper amount of soakage. Extra salty chips, enough ketchup to act out a crime scene and about 13 chicken nuggets, please. Just don't tell Morgan Spurlock.
Again, we know it's a chain and the slogans on their signs that tell you to eat and get the f*ck out are a little abrasive but their garlic cheese fries, slider burgers and chicken tenders are pretty damn tasty and nobody's going to argue with you when you're several pints in. Who cares if you'll reek of garlic dip into next week, you had your fun. And if you really feel like testing your mortality somewhat, you could always try the Double Smokestack: a decker burger with bacon, melted cheese, fried onion rings and as much Bick's relish and ER secret sauce as you could fit between two crispy baps. Good luck not getting that all over your face and in your hair. The ladies will love it.
Feeling a little oriental? Get yourself in here for the 3 in 1 or the chicken curry after a five hour Coppers session and all will be right with the world. 'Til the morning after, that is. You'll always enjoy this place too for the craic to be had with fellow Charlies customers. I'd say there's scarce a Dubliner who hasn't made a new friend in Charlies whilst smothering their chips in curry sauce.
Of course, you'll sometimes find yourself longing for a kebab more so than a bag of chips, maybe even a falafel or five, but what you'll come to Iskanders for is the reputedly friendly staff. The lamb shawarma draws a crowd here too.
A fried chicken haven tucked away in the heart of Fairview, Hillbillies was the go-to place back in the day when Barcode opened its doors to a sea of randy students, jacked up on Bacardi Breezers (bleugh). Now that that's gone (thank Christ), it's actually a pretty nice place to eat in. Crispy fried chicken washed down with an ice cold mineral, now you're laughing.
If you're out boozing in Ranelagh, which we often are, you won't be arsed making the trek into town for your fast food fix. You'll find yourself in Luigis, though, chowing down on any of their pizzas or their chicken nuggets tasty enough to rival McNuggets, enough chips to feed an entire family (but you should eat them all yourself, like, for soakage) and some seriously tasty (and pungent) garlic dip. What's more, if you rather not eat all of these as separate entities, you could just get your chicken nuggets lashed into a kebab with all sorts of other lovely things. Nice.
An old-school Dublin institution, this place has been around for donkeys years, pleasing locals with their no-frills fry ups and take away chipper. Apart form old staff moving on up to the pearly gates (apologies), not a thing has changed here over the years; it's still working that signature dark green colour and serving the same old reliable chipper dishes. You can eat in here or queue up and take out. Great staff and often touted as the best fish and chips in the capital. Worth a shot.
Another Northside gem, Macaris is a favourite among locals for batter burgers, battered sausages, and a single or 5 of chips. What you want here is enough salt and vinegar lashing around the brown paper bag so that when you eventually crack it open for that first heavenly bite, you almost choke as the vinegar hits your nostrils. The staff here are noticeably friendly and the food is never anything less than satisfying. Spice burgers are good too.
This chipper got an overwhelming amount of love on Twitter. A permanent fixture on Stillorgan's landscape, if you find yourself in this neck of the woods, it's well worth trying out this old reliable for any manner of standard chipper cuisine (if you can call it a cuisine). Chips, burgers, battered sausies, chicken balls. They won't let you down.
Another ageing but well loved establishment tucked away on Dublin's Pearse St, Lidos has been pleasing both the rogues and locals for years now. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, agreed? Come here for a box of finger licking chicken and chips, or better yet, go hell for leather with the garlic cheese chips and a quarter pounder. Some Dubliners claim to have eaten here daily for weeks, best not go down that route, mind.
A favourite among Dubliners and visitors for, you guessed it, their burgers. No shit Sherlock, I know, but it's worth pointing out. While Rick's just about missed our best burgers in Dublin list, which was more centred around eat in restaurants than take out type places, we're giving it some worthy love here. No fuss, juicy burgers and not at extortionate prices. Get in ma belly, etc.
Getting a little fancier now, and yep, you'll remember this from our best burgers in Dublin list. You'd happily enjoy one of these bad boys as sober as a nun. The beef is juicy as hell, and you've got more than your standard hamburger here, you've got options. You can have pork burgers, should the mood take you. With one on both Camden St and Dame St, you're never far from your next fix. The Mr and Miss Piggy descriptions are particularly appetite whetting: pork burger with chorizo sausage, rocket, goats cheese, beef tomato, black pepper and garlic mayonnaise.
You're more likely to be sober for this one. Why? Well you won't want to wake up the following morning having forgotten the experience of eating their scampi meal with insanely tasty chips, fresh juicy scampi, lemon and the freshest of tartar sauce. We're happiest enjoying Beshoffs in Clontarf or at Howth; fish and chips always taste better by the sea, right?
The holy grail of Persian kebabs in Dublin. You can expect to be queueing out the door for this place at about 3 in the morning but it'll be well worth the wait when you eventually sit down to a delectable lamb donner kebab, mixed up with their own 'special spices'. Oh momma. And fear not, kebab dodgers, you can get some chips as well (though you really should try the kebabs). The popularity of this place is insane, and it's warranted too. So much so, my own mother even makes a point of going there on a random midweek day, sober as a judge, when the sun's up, which means it's not the alcohol making it taste so heavenly, it's genuinely that good.
One of the oldest establishments (over 100 years) and most enjoyed traditional fish and chip shops in Dublin, with stores all over the gaff at this stage, none could beat Leo Burdocks to the finish line. Starting out over at Christchurch back in 1913, many come here for the battered crispy cod, standard portion of fat chunky chips, lashings of salt and vinegar and of course a squirt-load of lemon. You don't last longer than a century, see more change than any of us will in our lifetimes, without doing something right. Check out their story here, it's quite the part of Dublin's heritage so don't worry about the guilt, you'll be feeling all kinds of culturally smug as you tuck into your single.
*Lovin Dublin do not encourage excessive alcohol intake, drink responsibly!
