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Us Irish have a way with language; a musical tone, an ear for a good joke and a penchant for randomly placed fecking swear words. And that doesn't change when we pick up the phone.
Whether you're ringing Mammy, your best friend, or Aunt Mary to thank her for the tenner in your birthday card, we've a certain way of doing things and we're not going to stop any time soon.
A few examples of what we mean...
1. You always announce yourself
In an age when caller ID is commonplace, you still find yourself saying, "Hello, it's me" whenever your Mammy finally answers the phone.
2. "How are you keeping?"
You'll nearly always answer this question with, "Ah I'm grand yeah", even if your arm is falling off. Us Irish are a stoic people, and we suffer in silence.
3. And when we do open up, our ailments are brushed off
"Sure you'll be better before you're married."
How dare you .... I bared my soul to you!
4. Being put on hold because the person you're talking to bumped into someone they know
This is Ireland, and we kind of, sort of, do know everyone. Not that we would ever admit that to anyone else, mind you...
When someone is stuck between two different conversations, they'll inevitably have to make a choice about which person to let loose.
It's a conversational survival of the fittest.
5. Asking the person you're talking to to "hold on a sec", because you need to thank the bus driver
The thanking of the bus driver is a tradition. You can't not thank the bus driver, you monster!
6. Being supplied with more information in two minutes than you know what to do with
"Well his sister, told John, he was the one that scored the winning point in the '93 County Final do you remember, who told Fionnuala, that Brian's sister Jenny, the dress maker, is getting married. Do you reckon she'll make her own dress?"
"Ehh...."
7. "Any news?"
You find yourself answering this question with, "Ah, nothing much to report", even though you've gotten engaged, won the Lotto, and found the lost city of Atlantis since you last spoke, two days ago.
8. Awkwardly being forced to speak to your dad
You and your dad converse only when you've something to say, he even still signs off his texts "dad" in case you lost his number since the last time he texted you, and you both like it that way.
When you ring home, you and your Mammy speak for hours until the dreaded, "Will I pass you over to Daddy?" comes along and you both spend a few minutes discussing the weather and the absolute extortionate prices of a pint in Dublin.
Once enough time has passed, he'll hit you with the blessed, "Well I'll let you go then" line. Love you, Dad.
9. Walking around the entire house when you're on the phone
You can't sit still when you're talking on the phone – thank God for portable phones, eh?
You walk the length and breath of your house, until you hang up and find yourself sitting on the bed frame in the guest bedroom with no real memory as to how you got there.
10. "Bye, bye. Yeah I will, bye now, bye. Yeah, bye – wait! Did I tell you about Aoife?"
No conversation is complete without trying to end said conversation about twenty times.
Just when you think you're about to get away, they pull you back in with some gossip – and you can't resist because you are weak.
Sure, we wouldn't have it any other way!
