It has been almost 30 years since Top Gun debuted in cinemas.
And today, with the film showing on the big screen at our 4th of July Festival, we thought there was no better time to examine one of the most quintessentially American movies of all time, and imagine what it might have been like had it been set in Ireland.
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On March 3, 1969 the Irish Air Corps established a school of no particular importance for all five of its pilots. Its purpose was to give them something to do while waiting for something interesting to happen and to insure that a mighty time was had by all.
They succeeded.
Today, the Irish Air Corps call it Special Flying School.
The flyers call it:
Great Craic
Due to the Irish Air Corps having a considerably smaller budget, all the pilots would have to share a plane.
Say goodbye to Maverick, Goose, Cougar, Merlin and Iceman. Say hello to Gombeen, Horse, Bosco, 40 Coats and Dry Shite.
It wouldn’t be a Russian MiG that the F-14s scramble to intercept in the opening scene. The pilots would be trying to track down a particularly large and violent seagull that has been stealing everyone’s chips from the West Pier in Howth.
It wouldn’t be the Russian MiG that would have Cougar rattled in the opening scene. After a night of drinking he’d almost crash his plane after being consumed by The Fear.
Instead of saying “Your ego’s writing cheques your body can’t cash,” Stinger would say “Here. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.”
Instead of Danger Zone, a different '80s anthem would accompany the images of Maverick riding his motorbike next to a F-14: Boys From County Hell by The Pogues
Maverick would turn to Goose as they entered Coppers and say, with more chance of it being true this time, “Goose, even you could get laid in a place like this.”
Maverick would instead be joined by his fellow navy men in a rendition of The Fields of Athenry. Midway through the second verse he’d completely forget he was doing it to impress a woman, and finish the song by nominating Goose for a noble call.
Instead of responding to Charlie’s questions about the location of the MiG with “I could tell you that, but then I’d have to kill you,” Maverick would say “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.”
While being pursued by Jester (or Mr. Tayto as he would be in the Irish version), Goose would frantically say “He’s right up our hole!” rather than “He’s on our tail.”
“I couldn’t kick him out, sure didn’t I fly with his father? I’d never hear the end of it.”
Hurling. Obviously.
They would say “They’re waitin’ for a batin’.”
Goose would die after a St. Patrick’s Day stunt went horribly awry.
Which could be a problem, because by the looks of it in the film, she can never get the top up.
In keeping with the Irish tradition of repressing any emotional talk with another man, Iceman would have stood awkwardly behind Maverick, wanting to say something nice about Goose but instead saying “Some weather we’re having isn’t it?”
Instead of inspiring Maverick to get back in a plane by recounting tales of heroism about his father, Viper would inspire Maverick to get back in the saddle under the promise of a desk job and a guaranteed pension.
It wouldn’t be enough that Maverick arrived at Charlie’s house to see it vacant, he’d also be slapped with yet another ticket for riding his motorbike without a helmet. Being a maverick can be costly.
No one would show up for the mission briefing on time.
“They said 9, sure no one will be there till half past, I’ll head in around 10.”
When faced with the task of confronting six MiGs, the severely under-resourced Irish Air Corps would have to resort to flying model planes hoping that it would trick the Russians making them think that the planes were just really far away.
There wouldn’t be a group of cheering crewmen greeting Maverick as he touched down after saving the day. No, the Irish wouldn’t want to let someone know they did well in case they got ideas about themselves.
Instead Maverick would be greeted by a single old fella with a rollie hanging out the corner of his mouth saying “I suppose you think you’re great now, do ya?”
Instead when Iceman in a show of friendship and respect says to Maverick “You can be my wingman any time,” Maverick would simply respond with “I will yeah,” and brush past him.
