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20th December 2016
12:10am GMT
These days we are absolutely spoiled for choice in the variety and quality of food that you can have delivered to your front door.
So why would you even dreeeam of leaving the house when you can experience the convenience of a takeaway on your doorstep delivery?
If that’s not reason enough to convince you, we have another 28 reasons getting food delivered is better than eating out.
There’s nothing more decadent that having food brought to you. It’s why room service in a hotel feels so extravagant; it’s something usually reserved for the wealthy elite. Eating at home, you can make-believe that you are part of the elite by having food delivered directly to your living room.
Enhance the effect by saying “That will be all Jeeves,” to the delivery person as you slam the door in their face.
Unfortunately we’re a few years away from the social utopia where it will be okay to wear your pyjamas in public – though not for the lack of trying on some people's parts. So take a step in the right direction by proudly opening your front door to a stranger in your PJs; the delivery man does not judge. Unless you sleep naked.
You can save on cutlery by just mashing your hands into your food and shovelling it into your gaping maw directly.
You can save on having to wash your hands by mashing your face directly into your plate and just hoover up the food.
If you turn your head to the side every couple of seconds to get some air you’ll feel just like Michael Phelps. If he was swimming through an Olympic-sized pool of curry. Which, deep down, is what he really wants to be doing.
On finishing a meal in a restaurant, you have to wait until you’ve paid the bill, got back to your car, driven home and sat down on the couch until you can start hating yourself for your gluttonous behaviour.
With delivered food, you sometimes don’t even have to wait until you’ve finished the meal. Shove just one more chicken dipper into your mouth, trying to squeeze it in with the slice of pizza you haven’t even finished chewing yet and the self-loathing will flow through you easier that the blood through your dangerously clogged arteries.
You can’t order two or three main courses for yourself in a restaurant without feeling the judgmental eyes of the waiter and other patrons descend upon you. You can avoid this scenario completely when getting food delivered.
When the delivery person hands you your over-flowing crate of food, simply look over your shoulder and shout “Food’s here!” to your non-existent house guests.
Because there's nobody there to look at you accusingly when you have a second bottle of wine
You can drink as much as you like, in a blissful state of denial about your drinking problem without the raised eyebrow of your waiter or fellow patrons forcing you to confront some questions about yourself that you’re just not ready to deal with yet. Yay!
No one eats how they want to eat in a restaurant. You try as hard as you possibly can to preserve your dignity by carefully cutting and eating your food, using the right cutlery, but as the meal progresses some of your bad eating habits will inevitably creep out.
You’ll only notice when a sudden silence descends on the restaurant as people stare dumbfounded as you try to suck some spilled soup out of your shirt.
You can watch your favourite TV show or movie while dining on one of your favourite meals. You could even watch a shite movie if you like. You can watch whatever you want...
In most instances, watching porn as you eat your meal is frowned on in restaurants.
Picture posed. This guy is not actually watching porn, as far as we're aware.
If you linger for an hour after your meal at home, your cats aren’t going to start yawning loudly and start clearing the tables around you, waiting for you to leave.
Nothing interrupts the flow of a good meal by needing to visit the bathroom – but you don't need to worry about that now!
At home, you can just bring your plate into the toilet with you and, provided you can keep your legs steady, you can enjoy your meal uninterrupted. You’ll look like a full-motion exhibit on the human digestive system in some science museum. That's what you can tell yourself anyway.
You don’t have to bow to the whims of the gatekeeper of the basket of bread. If you want to ruin your appetite you’re perfectly entitled to do so. You can even stop halfway through your meal and have a bit more bread.
Let’s face it, the reason you’re getting food delivered is probably in large part to the fact that you just can’t be dealing with people at the moment.
Being able to order online, you can be assured that you have to deal with as little human interaction as possible when getting your food. Once delivery is possible via drone, you might not have to see another person for days.
You don’t have to stop every five minutes to reassure a lingering stranger that “Yes thanks, it’s lovely. No thanks, we’re okay for water.”
The dream.
The delivery guy’s demeanour won’t change. He won’t roll his eyes, or make you sit in a worse part of your living room because you’re just having a main course. The delivery driver won’t treat you like a second-class citizen because you’re cutting down on their margins for the table.
They might be looking down on you back at the restaurant or takeaway you ordered from, but you’ll be completely unaware.
Ignorance is bliss
If you are eating on your own, getting food delivered is the best option you could choose. Unless of course you like sitting in a restaurant on your own, getting sympathetic smiles from OAPs and videoed by the youth, living in constant fear that you’re about to become an internet meme.
A restaurant would recoil in horror if you asked them to boil up a pot of super noodles to throw into your curry.
The Philistines.
There are more than one of you and you can’t agree on what type of food to eat – if you were going out it would be a problem. Not so if you’re getting something delivered. Just order from two places.
Better still, you can even do this on your own, creating a chicken tikka masala pizza, batter sausage and chips lasagne or a sweet and sour chicken kebab. Discover for yourself why there are no Chinese-Italian fusion restaurants.
When you realise you’ve eaten too much for your body to handle and remain upright, in a restaurant your only option is to sit in uncomfortable rigidity as the meat sweats overcome your body.
Ordering in, you can lie down as often as you want or need to. You can even stay lying down while you finish your meal, tipping the contents of your plate onto your face, wallowing in a hedonistic paradise.
Are you tired of not being given enough space or respect to take a photo of the meal you are about to eat? Are you sick of the sub-optimum lighting and angles available at your table? Order in!
You can spend as much time as you like setting up lights, screens, a smoke machine and positioning the food and plate exactly right to get the perfect photo that people will catch the briefest glimpse of as they quickly scroll past it on their Facebook newsfeed.
I think we’ve established the lack of having to deal with people is a considerable plus when it comes to ordering in. Exposure to people is the number one cause of one’s faith in humanity beginning to dwindle. Unfortunately, most people are incredibly annoying, so being present in a room full of them, and being forced to overhear their incessant small talk, and their complaining about their privileged lives could reduce your ever-dwindling supplies of faith in humanity to dangerously low levels.
For this reason it's important to limit your exposure to large groups of people as much as possible. Order in. For humanity’s sake.
Your delivery driver won’t think twice if you open the door already drunk. A restaurant on the other hand…
Online orders have ensured that you never have to suffer the indignity of ordering out loud a main course whose name consists entirely of vowels.
The waiter stifling a chuckle as your order erupts from your mouth in a stuttering wave of incoherent spittle. A crushing reminder of the fact that just because you’re eating in a fancy restaurant doesn’t mean you're cultured or belong there.
You don’t feel the need to have to apologise to anyone for the state you left your napkin/tablecloth/carpet/dignity in.
Add a sense of mystery and intrigue to your meal. If you order in a restaurant you can usually tell roughly when you’re going to get your food. Not so when you order in. Experience the thrill of uncertainty, the giddy anticipation. Will your food take 20 minutes or an hour and a half to arrive? Will the driver find the house? Will they ring you to tell you they're standing outside the door, despite the fact you have a perfectly functional doorbell?
In a restaurant if the waiter forgets how to get to your table, it will be the least of your worries. Make your meal an adventure. Order in.
A date in a restaurant is great. It can be romantic and a very pleasant evening, but inevitably at some point during the night the awkwardness arrives on trying to figure out how to get your date back to your place. Skip a step. Have dinner in your place.
Provided you don’t do numbers 1 to 26 on this list, the night should end well.
If you realise you don’t have enough money to pay for your food. Just don’t answer the door/pretend to be dead.
This also works for bailiffs, Jehovah’s witnesses, television license inspectors and Death.
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