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20th December 2016
12:10am GMT
Babies. Aren't they great?
Everything about them is so tiny and squishy – like a rounder, wrigglier, Macbook Air, they should be the perfect take-anywhere accessory for your modern urban lifestyle.
But for first time parents they’re usually not. When the euphoria of birth has passed, you’ve been kicked out of the hospital and your mother-in-law has gone home, you’re left staring into the abyss, faced with the stark dawning realisation that you and your partner bear sole responsibility for the wellbeing of this inscrutable little ball of noise and projectile vomit. Ah shite.
I’ve been that soldier. This is how it goes down.
At first you’ll wonder how you could you even contemplate taking them anywhere? It’s too risky. Probably better to stay indoors until the child goes to school. Of course you can live on a diet of mostly pizza for five years.
Eventually, you’ll need some fresh air, some daylight, something to eat that’s not pizza. You’ll remember that you paid more than the price of a middlin’ second-hand motor for that high-tech buggy that you have not yet used.
Yup, today is the day to face the great outdoors.
The pair of you will load that buggy to bursting point with basically all of your baby stuff. Just in case.
So you’ll emerge from your house, dishevelled and disoriented like a couple of minor Star Trek characters on a hostile and unfamiliar planet. Sticking to the pre-agreed plan, you won’t go more than 10 minutes from the front door will scuttle back indoors as soon as the baby looks like it might need anything. It will be a stunningly underwhelming experience, but one that you will repeat many times over the coming weeks.
Your eyes meet hers and you can see that she’s thinking the same thing. Do we dare? Fuck it. Let’s be reckless.
Then one day the sun will be shining, the baby will be sleeping and you’ll forget the 10 minute rule. Before you know it you’ll be 20 minutes from home, literally in no-mans land. Getting your bearings, you’ll realise that you’re closer to the local, eh, “gastropub” than you are to your house.
Through the fog of sleep deprivation, you’ll recall a simpler time filled with burgers, pints, and live Premier League football.
Your eyes meet hers and you can see that she’s thinking the same thing. Do we dare? Fuck it. Let’s be reckless.
Soon you’re hotfooting it towards the boozer, seeking to maximise your eating time before the beast awakes. Halfway there you will stop and question the wisdom of your actions, but you’ll be brave for you know you must.
And twenty minutes later, just like that you’re taking the first bite out of a mediocre burger that through sheer elation tastes like the most awesome Kobe beef you’ve ever tasted. You might be even washing it down with the best pint anybody has ever brewed.
And you’ll wonder what was the big deal. Because you’ve done the hard part. You brought this little kid into the world and you’ve kept her safe and healthy for several weeks now. And here you are having your lunch out with a real baby. Like real grown-ups with real lives.
Babies give you unlimited, unconditional love and joy. In exchange they take most of your time, money and dignity. But they don’t take your life away.
They’re messy and unpredictable, but infinitely portable. It takes a little time to figure it out, but once you get to grips with that you’ll see just how much they can enrich your life.
And there you go: the perfect take-anywhere accessory for your modern urban lifestyle.
