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20th December 2016
12:10am GMT
With the season five finale of Game of Thrones fast approaching, we took it upon ourselves to speculate what the world of Westerns would be like if it was all moved to our wonderful capital city.
Potential spoilers lie within.
Instead of “Winter is Coming,” the Starks would constantly say “Summer is never coming.”
Every time Joffrey, Ramsey, Cersei or any other tyrant committed a heinous act on the citizenry, it would be immediately followed by someone off screen saying “Ah here, leave it out.”
The number of TDs would diminish daily as the Ceann Comhairle constantly demanded trial by combat.
It would be Micheál Martin across the Narrow Sea trying to build an army to retake the throne.
That's what the Luas Red Line is for.
Photo: abd / Shutterstock.com
No thanks.
Exemplified by tweets to @LovinDublin saying “I don't know if anyone can help, but I lost my sword in P Macs last night…”
Photo: Simon McLoughlin / Shutterstock.com
The head of every anti-water protester would be on a spike on O’Connell St, and that would be the end of that.
They just wouldn't get approval for the costs from The Troika.
The figure of Varys; the skulking, manipulative, seer of all, who controls all information coming in and out of King’s Landing, with the ear of politicians and kings, would instead be [redacted].
Littlefinger’s den of iniquity would be Copper Face Jacks.
The Night’s Watch on the Wall would be protecting Dublin from Meath.
Rather than Dorne, Cersei would have sent her daughter to an even more exotic and cultured, parsimonious paradise to the south of the continent.
The hostility between the North and South sides – divided by the Liffey, of course – would be even more vociferous.
Photo: Darren Pierse Kelly / Shutterstock.com
Instead, the Starks would have pit-bulls.
No one would be able to tell regular people apart from White Walkers due to the pasty skin of the locals.
House Healy-Rae would be one of the most powerful families in Westeros.
The kingdom would still be reeling from the upheaval of the tyrannical reign of King Jedward.
Photo: Featureflash / Shutterstock.com
Aidan Gillen’s accent would be even more confusing, indecipherable and disconcerting when heard next to considerably more Irish accents.
Joan Burton, in a short-sighted move for power, would elevate The Iona Institute to the position of absolute moral authority, giving them ultimate power and an army.
Conor McGregor would have killed the Mountain in the first episode, just because he felt like it.
Dragons would scoop up hipsters on vintage fixie bikes and no one would protest.
Daenerys, having mastered several languages, would find the Dublin accent impenetrable.
He'd consistently deny ever being a member of the Sons of the Harpy
Photo: David Fowler / Shutterstock.com
Instead of faeces and mud, an angry mob of kids on bikes would throw water balloons at Joffrey’s carriage.
Instead of being executed, he'd just get a golden handshake, a hefty pension and a position on a state board or two.
Temple B’aar would be marginally more civilized than its real-life namesake.
Photo: Aitormmfoto / Shutterstock.com
Instead of wine, the most popular drink would be Matcha tea from Kaph.
A succession of kings and rulers would fall, not by the sword, but by a series of humiliating interviews with Vincent Browne.
The land would be in a state of de facto peace, as every king would keep putting off their wars until after the weekend.
People fleeing an army of the dead would realise at the last minute that it was just the hungover crowd arriving back from Life Festival.
Enda Kenny would somehow survive until the end of the series for reasons that elude everyone.
The residents of the Capital would view all those outside as dull-witted plebs, bitter and envious of their betters within the capital walls. Oh, wait. We don’t need Game of Thrones for that.
