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20th December 2016
12:10am GMT
So Team Southside had their say with this article. Now, however, it’s our turn.
And hey. If you’re a southsider, fair play for reading this far, and welcome to the northside – where nobody gives a shit what school you went to, and the answer to that question will likely be “Who’s askin’?”
So here goes…
You could be living it up in a cosy four-bed mansion in a quaint beachside town like Balbriggan, rather than piling into some crappy student gaff in 'Sandymines'.
Yes, we’ve all heard the joke: What was the southsider doing in Finglas? Looking for his Car. HAHA.
Wrong.
He’s collecting it from the free car park. Where he parked it. FOR FREE. With free parking at Blanch shopping centre, you can actually afford to get lost in the real-world Narnia known as TK Maxx, where NOTHING is as it seems.
Park your car at Dundrum for the day, however, and you're essentially giving up your first-born.
Legend has it that the basin moves around the northside – not unlike the moving staircases in Harry Potter – never staying too long in the one place, in order to evade Southsiders.
Therefore you can bet when Christmas rolls around this side of Dublin is going to shine brighter as each of us tries to outdo our neighbour!
Yes, exactly like the whos from Whoville.
We can still call Croke Park by its real name and not after some silly insurance company. Unlike another stadium in Dublin that shall remain nameless. Literally.
The square never seems to sleep as it plays host to a range of bizarre festivals and events. Last year I found myself in the middle of a world record attempt for the largest human image of a love-heart by YesEquality.
Standard.
Rowdy tourists are quarantined here on the southside. And yet they claim this as a source of pride?
Steve Martin once played a banjo there, and that’s all anyone needs to know.
The Convention Centre is like a giant lava lamp. It’s fun to look at but let’s face it, nobody actually needs one.
“What separates the animals from the humans? The River Liffey” – another one of those jokes that feels like it predates the city itself.
Here, however, I just want to point out that we’re on the same side as the red pandas and meerkats. So I think we’re winning?
“Sinead, Just come out of Penneys on Henry street and walk towards the Penneys on O’Connell Street. You’ll be grand.”
Like a moth to a flame, if there’s a Penneys nearby you can bet we’ll find it. We’ve learned to detect the scent from miles away – a unique combination of fake tan, nylon and fear. This might be because we've got six stores, compared to the paltry two on the southside.
This is a staple feature in many houses on the northside. You’ll see this statue being proudly displayed in each outward-facing window. It’s at the point now where it’s too late to ask questions so everyone simply pretends to know the meaning behind it all.
The Lady on the Rock taught us all to just get on with it.
Live out your Baywatch fantasies by running in slow motion across the stretch of sand-flats. Actual lifeguards will be there on standby when you inevitably end up putting yourself and others at danger by misjudging the tide.
Having the airport on our side makes for a quick and easy escape route, should we need it.
A day out at the Old Jameson Distillery will you leave you in a happy haze. Expect whiskey shots, whiskey cocktails and whiskey desserts.
Not a whiskey drinker? Not a problem. You can see yourself out.
The largest enclosed city park in Europe, as every northsider will tell you in just about every conversation ever.
This is the place to be on a sunny day, enjoying a 99 with a flake the size of a small oak tree from the resident ice cream truck.
Who's Teddy?
With the Grand Canal Docks undergoing a rebrand recently it’s not exactly the backdrop you want when you’re passing around family photos in years to come.
Additionally, our canal is longer and therefore better.
Sorry Florist Gump, I’mma let you finish – but Lino Ritchie had the best shop name of all time! Of all time.
Trust Finglas to crack the pun game wide open.
Who needs the Forty Foot when you have ‘High Rock’ at Malahide?
The beach here can’t be beaten with its incredible views of Ireland’s Eye and Lambay Island. Top it all off with a messy night out in Tamangos and you might just be able to pass as one of the locals.
There are so many nicknames for the Spire: The Spike; The Nail in the Pale; The Stiffy by the Liffey; The Pin in The Bin; the list goes on.
Making fun of the Spire is a rite of passage as a Dubliner, and love it or hate it we’re still proud to have it on our side of the Liffey.
I dare you to walk down O’Connell Street and not be tempted by the heavenly smell of these sugar coated rings. Legend has it that if you look the donut lady in the eye before you know it you’ll have signed up for a year’s supply of these fried, sugary sensations.
Tapas in Octopussy, woodfired pizzas in Dog House Blues Tearoom and, to top it all off, ice cream in Mauds.
Provided you haven’t slipped off into a deep food coma at this point, walk it off with a leisurely stroll up the cliffs. Have a pint at the top in The Summit Inn where you’ll get the best views of the coastline and a fantastic view of the harbour.
We were cashing in our first handful of loyalty cards for Boojum addict t-shirts when you were still getting by on Burritos & Blues, wondering what lime and coriander rice tasted like.
Do you think the Book of Kells is going to blow bubbles in your face? The screening itself is like a history class on how movies used to look before the days of CGI and, well, any special effects whatsoever. 10/10.
The oldest cinema in Dublin is brimming with character not to mention it’s cheap as chips. The red velvet and golden brass decor brings you back to a time when a night out at the cinema was a glamorous affair – movie premieres are held here for a reason!
This street has an eclectic mix of market stalls and shop fronts to cater to every kind of consumer that could conceivably wander through. Need a Nokia 3510i? Done. Need a bag of fish heads? Also done. Have an hour to kill? Why not get your hair braided while mooching off the free wifi from the banana stand.
What moore could you want?
The chips are fried to perfection – golden and crispy.
You’ll often see crowds of DCU students braving the cold to shuffle down to Macari's for the cure on any given morning. Their snackboxes may as well be crackboxes, they’re that addictive.
Crowned by Lovin Dublin itself as “easily the best pint of Guinness in the capital in our humble opinions”.
Enough said.
Stall down to The Strawberry Hall during the festive season and you’ll be drowning in tinsel.
The National Botanic Gardens are so underrated. Not many people realise how easy it is to get to and that it’s completely FREE to visit. It’s the perfect place to kick back for the day and a great cafe on site too.
You can lose yourself here for hours, forgetting all about the hustle and bustle of the surrounding city – perfect.
We all feel the need to divulge in a bit of drinking the morning after to ease our pain, northsiders just don’t feel the need to conceal that fact with a fancy name. We call a spade a spade. It’s a rollover. Hair of the dog. Whatever.
Brunch has fast become an oddly sacred tradition on the southside although the Northside actually has all the best brunch spots. To name a few: Brother Hubbard, Lo-cal Kitchen, Bread and Bones, Wuff, Slice.
I guess we just have good taste!
Any northsider knows the going rate for buying strawberries out of a pram off a granny.
Many liken Henry Street to the trading floor on Wall Street – a competitive marketplace with lots of shouting and swearing.
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